3 Steps to Handle Tears and Guilt At Drop Offs
Tears at drop off? Here’s why you’re actually winning at motherhood.
As a mother, you may find yourself experiencing a whirlwind of emotions when dropping off your little one at daycare, preschool, or kindergarten - especially that first time.
Those tearful goodbyes can tug at your heartstrings and flood your mind with waves of mom guilt and shame, making you feel as if you're doing something terribly wrong.
But let’s clear this up: It's perfectly natural for kids to cry when entering a new, safe environment. It's a typical response to the unfamiliar.
What’s important to remember? You are not doing irreversible damage or harming your child by dropping them off in a safe, nurturing environment.
Through my work with mothers, childcare workers, and teachers, I’ve seen that parents who feel confident and follow through with the drop-off without hovering or rushing to "rescue" are the ones fostering a balanced, family-focused approach—not just a child-centered one.
Currently, there is a common misconception in the world of parenting that if you, as a mother, fulfill every single need of your child and are constantly available, you will feel satisfied and validated as a mother. And when there are tears at drop-off, cue the mom guilt. (Keep reading, I've got three easy steps to quiet the guilt.)
Olivia Scobie defines this in her book as "Impossible Parenting" (sometimes labeled as intensive, attachment, or gentle parenting).
It’s the expectation to put children's wants, needs, desires, and experiences above all else, often resulting in heightened anxiety, depression, burnout and guilt in mothers.
This is a response to the parent-centered parenting many of us millennial mothers experienced growing up, where the focus was more on our parent’s convenience than our needs.
This impossible pressure can be overwhelming, feeding us lies that make us question our choices and ignore our own needs for caregiving, house work, paid work, productivity, or simply keeping busy. It's that little voice telling you that our child's tears mean you’re failing them (or worse traumatizing them), pushing us to hold on tighter when what we really need to do is practice distress tolerance.
Distress tolerance is basically the ability to keep it together when everything inside you wants to rescue, panic or bail.
When it comes to those first tearful drop-offs, it’s being “okay” with feeling a bit uncomfortable and letting your kiddo feel their feels without swooping in to save the day.
3 Steps to Handle Tears and Guilt at Drop-Offs (Without Feeling Like a Bad Mom)
Name the Feelings: Give a name to what’s happening, and don’t shy away from it. “I know this is tough, but we can do hard things. I’ll be back to pick you up at [time] and I look forward to hearing all about your day”.
Take a Breath: Literally. Take a deep breath to keep yourself from spiraling. Inhale, exhale, and stay grounded. Notice your surroundings - how do your feet feel, how are the words coming out of your mouth? This helps you stay steady.
Trust the Process: Remember, this is part of your child’s journey towards independence. Give a confident, “Your feelings matter and you’ve got this, and I’ll see you soon!” and walk away with purpose. It shows your kiddo that they’re safe and that you believe in their ability to handle this new experience.
I've been there, peeling a crying child off me at drop-off, feeling like the worst mom in the world.
But through my personal mistakes, I've learned that being family-focused is allowing my kids to experience and tolerate a healthy level of distress. When I have lingered too long, I have unintentionally sent the message that they are unsafe without me. By staying past the goodbye, I inadvertently taught them that separation is something to be feared, not embraced.
The key to navigating these emotional drop-off moments isn't to rescue them or bring them home (a luxury not everyone can afford) - it’s about doing the work on regulating our own emotions.
So, to all the moms out there struggling with drop-offs, please know this: you are not alone, and your feelings matter and they are your responsibility to regulate.
Social media doesn’t help, with its endless stream of picture-perfect portrayals of motherhood that can make us feel inadequate and anxious. What really defines a "good mom" in these moments of drop-off: the one who leaves, the one who lingers, or the one who stays? The constant comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and anxiety, fuelling maternal mental health challenges like burnout and depression.
As you navigate drop-offs, please remember you are already winning at motherhood:
The type of child care—whether it's daycare, at-home care, or a nanny - is not the defining factor in your relationship with your child.
Research shows that the quality of care matters far more than the type: marked by responsive and sensitive caregiving, bonding and positive outcomes.
Your decision to entrust your child to a safe, nurturing space while you work or take time for yourself is not only okay - it's beneficial for everyone in the family.
Studies, including those from the NICHD and the EPPE Project, affirm that your child’s attachment to you isn’t just about being in close proximity. It’s about how you connect with them when you’re together, and how you come back together after being apart.
So, give yourself some grace. Take a deep breath, stand tall in the face of discomfort, and remember: a tearful goodbye is not traumatizing your child. It’s a stepping stone towards independence, confidence, and growth for both of you.
Mama, want some extra tools to help you feel more confident?
Download my free guide, 101 Ways to Chill, and discover simple strategies to keep your cool, even on the toughest days. Because every mom deserves a little peace of mind!
