how to mother yourself
lately, i’ve been doing a lot of reparenting work with clients.
What does this word, reparenting, mean? Essentially, it means to parent your inner child.
Now before you go and roll your eyes and think yeah, ok, Kayla.
If you believe that your childhood has no holds on your adult life - I’m here to tell you #SorryNotSorry you are mistaken. Your mind and body have stored core emotional memories and information from birth and childhood. Anything and everything that has happened to you has a memory stored in your body.
Let’s create a scene. As a child, your dad routinely comes home in a grumpy mood, muttering and stomping around the house. When you seek his attention or affection, he responds with irritation and asks you to leave him alone. Your child brain can not comprehend that this behavior is about HIM and not you.
So, you internalize a message that he might not love you or care about you, or he is just a grumpy asshole.
NOW, as an adult, when your partner comes home and displays the same behavior you too feel unloved and not cared about (and maybe think they are too a grumpy asshole).
Your adult brain and your child brain in this very moment are the same. They can’t distinguish between what is yours and what is theirs.
Is it right that your dad came home in a grumpy mood? No. Maybe his job was super stressful, maybe he wasn’t managing life’s stressors very well, maybe he was simply a grumpy asshole…it’s not right, but it is how your brain has been wired for these kinds of interactions.
Again, this is not about you. But you have internalized a message about this, and that message hurts.
It was not your parent’s “fault,” meaning they are humans, and humans have capacities. Being interested in this process doesn’t mean your parents didn’t love you, or you don’t love them now.
reparenting is holding your parents in awareness that they were doing the best they could with what they had at the time (while also acknowledging the hurt).
Reparenting is a personal responsibility, a personal ownership over your thoughts, emotions and actions as an adult. It’s saying that you are going to treat yourself the way you wished others treated you. It’s showing yourself the kind of love you wished you received.
three ways you can reparent yourself:
BREATHE (like literally right now, close your eyes and take a breath)
Anyone can begin the process of reparenting themselves. It takes time, commitment, and patience. You are going to have ups and downs. There is no quick fix. It will require you to show up every day, and it will allow you to heal and transform the way you view yourself and others.IMAGINE a previous time in your life when you didn’t receive something you needed from a parent. Maybe there are several memories where you didn’t get what you needed. Or, a parent responded unfavorably or not at all.
Let this entire scene unfold in your minds eye. Now imagine you (as an adult) were responding to the child you in the memory you just walked through.
Use the exact words you would have liked to hear and say them to your inner child.
Do the exact actions that would’ve felt safe and comfortable. Say “I love you”, “you are safe”, “I believe you”.ACKNOWLEDGE your feelings and emotions.
Oftentimes, when a parent didn’t respond in the ways we needed, we think it’s our fault and that our feelings are not valid or worth talking about. So, we shut down, we block out, we don’t notice or receive love as it’s given. Setting time aside each day to sit with and acknowledge your feelings (without judgement) is key to showing yourself love and validation.
Something I get asked all the time: “But Kayla, won’t I have to have the big ugly uncomfortable conversation with my parent at some point?”
My answer: maybe, but likely not. Remember, you are doing this for you – not for others. You aren’t starting this work to chance the actions and behaviors of others; you are showing yourself love and compassion.
You can absolutely apply these methods and tools yourself, or you can seek professional help from someone like me and I can guide you through the process.
Until next time,
Kayla
Ps. Remember, the act of reparenting is about soothing your inner child. It isn’t about the actions of others (like how your partner enters your home), it’s about you: breathing, noticing your feelings, processing them, and treating yourself the way you wished you were treated.
