The Magic Maker Trap: Ditch People-Pleasing This Christmas
The first Christmas I hosted with my in-laws (as a toddler mom and “recovering” people-pleaser), I made it clear: I wasn’t making turkey.
I told my mother-in-law that if anyone wanted turkey, they’d need to buy it and bring it themselves because I had no intention of cooking that kind of meal.
She agreed (she loves cooking) and said she’d bring everything. Problem solved. Resentment avoided.
If I hadn’t spoken up and ended up buying and cooking the turkey, I’d have been resentful and angry about “her expectations” (which, it turns out, were only my assumptions).
It’s a reminder that when we communicate and hold boundaries, we avoid a lot of frustration
I know, though, that these conversations aren’t always easy. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that going along with everyone else’s wants is the “kind” thing to do—but let’s get real: people-pleasing isn’t as kind as we think.
Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Actually Kind
A lot of women have been raised to believe that being agreeable and staying small—saying yes when we mean no, going along with everyone’s plans, and hiding our own needs—is kind and selfless. But here’s the truth: people-pleasing doesn’t benefit anyone in the long run. In fact, it often creates more tension, resentment, and miscommunication than just speaking up would.
People-pleasing looks kind, but it often comes with strings attached.
When we say yes to things we don’t want, we’re not showing kindness; we’re avoiding conflict, failing to set boundaries, and ignoring our own capacity. Over time, all that bottled-up resentment leads to feeling underappreciated, bitter, and emotionally burnt out.
The difference between kindness and people-pleasing is simple:
True kindness respects and advocates for everyone’s needs—including your own.
People-pleasing leaves you emotionally drained and frustrated, often with unspoken expectations that others can’t meet.
The Weight of Being the “Magic Maker”
At Christmastime especially, moms feel the impossible weight of expectations piling on their shoulders. Society (and sometimes well-meaning but overbearing family members) expects us to be magic-makers—the ones who keep everything festive, organized, and memorable—while remaining calm, selfless, and invisible.
If you’re sitting here thinking, “How are you in my head right now?”—you’re not alone.
Feeling overwhelmed by holiday plans, saying no to yet another event, or not wanting to bake everything from scratch isn’t about personal shortcomings; it’s about the impossible standards placed on women this time of year.
People-pleasing turns us into silent supporters for everyone else, leaving no room for our own feelings, needs, or wishes.
Breaking Down People-Pleasing: What It Looks Like
People-pleasing shows up in so many ways:
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”: Agreeing to things you don’t want to do (or skipping what you do want to do) to avoid disappointing someone—often a parent or in-law.
Softening boundaries to avoid being seen as “bitchy”: Adding smiley emojis or over-explaining yourself so your words seem “nicer,” which makes it harder for others to understand and respect your boundaries.
Putting everyone else’s needs above your own: Constantly self-sacrificing, sometimes without even realizing it, leaving you feeling invisible or unappreciated.
Noticing these patterns is the first step to breaking them. Letting go of people-pleasing might feel uncomfortable at first, but ultimately, it lets you show up as the real, balanced version of yourself—the one who speaks honestly instead of appeasing everyone.
And hey, none of this is your fault. You were likely conditioned to stay small and keep the peace because it felt safer at some point. But now? It’s your responsibility to change it (if you want to).
Why Changing Feels Hard (But Is So Worth It)
People-pleasing gives a false sense of control over how others perceive you. But in reality, it costs you more than it gives.
Imagine the freedom of saying no (or YES) without guilt. Imagine the relief of sharing what you actually think without worrying about fallout. That freedom is possible—it just takes practice.
People-Pleasing Doesn’t Serve You (or Anyone Else)
Changing the people-pleasing pattern isn’t just about taking things off your plate. It’s about showing up authentically and communicating clearly. By respecting your own needs and being honest about what you can (and can’t) do, you’re modeling what real kindness and honesty look like.
You’re giving others permission to be real, too.
Ready to Feel a Little Lighter?
Does any of this resonate? This isn’t about being “bitchy” (even if that’s the message you got as a teenager). It’s about recognizing the invisible weight of people-pleasing and giving yourself permission to enjoy the holidays (and your life) as you want them to be.
If you’ll have me, I’d love to invite myself into your inbox. I’ve created a free email series—quick reads, five minutes or less—where we’ll unpack the people-pleasing trap, let go of guilt, and make space for the things that actually bring you joy this Christmas.
Let’s rewrite the holiday script together and ditch the people-pleasing at Christmas.
Exciting news—Kayla is a published co-author! Dive into Break Through: Essays on Shattering Societal Norms and Reimagining Your Midlife Identity as a Woman. Don’t miss it—check it out here!
Follow Kayla on Instagram for a peek into mom-life and tips to calm the chaos with expressive art therapy!
Remember, showing up as you are is more than enough.
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This information is for educational purposes only. Kayla cannot provide personalized advice or recommendations for your unique situation or circumstances. Therefore, nothing on this page or website should replace therapeutic recommendations or personalized advice. If you require such services, please consult with a medical or therapeutic provider to determine what's best for you. Kayla cannot be held responsible for your use of this website or its contents. Please never disregard or delay seeking medical or therapeutic treatment because of something you read or accessed through this website.
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