seven reasons not to join mom group and why they are bull sh*t
At the time my first was born, I thought everything else was more important than my own self care. I believed with my entire being that I was supposed to be a “good-strong-selfless” mother. AND that I was supposed to do all the things, all on my own. I also believed I couldn’t be creative and a mother.
Mother’s don’t dance in the kitchen. They don't have time to paint or journal. Mothers do the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, #allthethings. These are all stories I’ve told myself (maybe you’ve told yourself these things too).
Immersing myself in circles of women, as well as using the expressive arts made me the grounded mom I am TODAY. The arts opened me up, but first it broke me down. I had no idea what I needed until I was faced with the blank page, pastel in my hand in a room full of women. I had to unlearn everything I thought mothers were supposed to be (strong, complacent, all-giving, selfless). In the unlearning I was able to rewrite my authenticity, honouring my needs, expressing myself and making time for ME.
EXPRESSIVE ART THERAPY healed me from my rough transition into motherhood. It soothed my pain. It validated my experiences and emotions as a mother, woman and inner child.
I know you have lots of reasons not to attend…
I’m too tired to go anywhere
I need to shower, to eat and to drink hot coffee first
But the mom group is scheduled for nap time
But what if I break down?
I won't know anyone⠀⠀
It's raining, cold, OR too hot (or whatever other excuse you have made for the weather)
Meh, support groups aren't really for me
And here I validate and reframe (with some humour) some of those limiting beliefs you are having about joining a mom group.
7 reasons NOT to join a new mom support group and the why you need to attend anyway:
1. I’m too tired to go anywhere
Mama, tell me about it. I’ve not met a new mom who was well rested. Sleep is so essential to feeling like a functioning human being, am I right? You’re up several times a night. You can’t imagine adding one more thing to the roster of things you already feel you need to do.
#sorrynotsorry, the “tiredness” doesn't really go away, my hope for you is that it just gets a bit more manageable. You can be tired at home OR go to a mom group and be in a room of other highly caffeinated moms who are NOT sleeping through the night and feel less alone. Plus, maybe, just maybe you'll meet a mama-friend (but, you'll ever find out sitting at home folding your laundry).
2. I need to shower, to eat and to drink hot coffee first
Mama, we can help with at least one of those things. You can probably finish that hot cup of coffee while your baby gets a glimpse of a new surrounding and maybe the group has HOT coffee (or tea)? Honestly, nobody cares what you look like. Everyone will be showing up with dry shampoo, a bagel from Tim’s and maybe you’ll have time for a shower tomorrow.
3. But the mom group is scheduled for nap time
Mama, you can sometimes skip the nap. With my first I was like a sleep drill sargent - I couldn’t control much of my new-mom life so I decided to control my sons sleep. We had regiments, steps and timelines. The truth is babies sleep is determined by their growth, development and sometimes nothing at all. The second time I promised myself I was going to allow myself permission to be more flexible. I allowed myself to attend mom groups, visit with friends EVEN when my baby “should” be napping.
Ps. The urge to control and obsess over baby sleep can be a red-flag for identifying a #perinatalmooddisorder. Maternal mental health and connection are more important!
4. But what if I break down?
I’m not going to lie, mama, you might… You know the intensity of motherhood, you feel it everyday (but no one else seems to really understand why you feel the way you do). Mom life is fuc*ing hard and your tears deserve to be let out. AND if it makes you feel better you won’t be alone, you know that weight you feel, other moms feel it too and they will cry with you.
Imagine how good it would feel to release all those pent up feelings. Imagine feeling seen and heard. Imagine feeling supported.
5. I won't know anyone⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But you’ve also been feeling lonely at home. You’ve been daydreaming of finding mom-friends. You’ve been wanting to brag about your baby rolling over. You want a safe place to express some emotions and maybe have a good cry, surrounded by people who know EXACTLY what you’re going through. People who won’t judge, people who will not give you unsolicited advice from 1975. You certainly won't get to know anyone sitting at home. You can find your village. You will find your people. Ya ok, you might not like or bond with everyone - but you can appreciate the process. Just take a minute, I want you to fast forward to the first day if kindergarten... Are you going to keep your kids home just because they "don't know anyone". No, you're going to say "You know what, hun? It might be scary and it's ok to feel a bit upset, but you can do this. I believe in you." So, you can image me saying, I believe in you and register for that mom group you’ve had your eye on.
6. It's raining, cold, OR too hot (or whatever other excuse you have made for the weather)
People have babies in Alaska. People have babies in India. People have babies in New Zealand (the rainiest place on the planet). You’re MUCH more likely to feel isolated and depressed if you stay home. Grab an umbrella, bundle up (or bundle down) and GET to a mom group.
7. Meh, support groups aren't really for me
And this might be true. Women have often had a “bad” experiences in groups of other women. The judgement and comparison game is strong. Here’s another hard truth, you need adult conversation. You need to get out of the house. You need to stop mindlessly scrolling and talk to real people. Out of the X number of moms in the room, you might really connect with one of them (and this is a huge win). This friendship will be the start of your mom-support network. You will text each other at 3am, meet each others spouses, go on double dates and maybe even go camping when the kids are school age. ATTENDING A MOM GROUP. It will help you mental wellbeing and ability to cope, I assure you.
I know it can be scary and nerve racking… but here are more reasons you need to join a mom group (like today):
Because it’s social support (the number one intervention for postpartum depression and anxiety)
Because you’ll hear from other moms, creating support and normalizing your experiences
Because you can ask the real questions and get honest answers (with the odd f-bomb and some tears too)
Because you will learn from other moms going through the exact same phase of life
Because it’s better then amazon reviews when it comes to all the baby gear
Because you will feel supported by WOMEN, in the way you need to be
Because you need an outlet for your big feelings, someone to validate the waves of motherhood
Because you need some practical tips for everything mom-ing (like how to not get poop everywhere when changing a moving baby)
Because you need some coping techniques for thriving in motherhood
Because you value your well-being and know that deep down you want to
HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVOURITE ONLINE AND IN PERSON GROUPS FOR MOMS
PS. I run TWO types of mom groups, FLOURISH and The Motherload. Check them out.
Share with me in the comments your “why” for attending mom groups/workshops/retreats.
Until next time,
Kayla
Original: Feb 21, 2018
Revised: Feb 17, 2022
