Six Mom Rage Triggers and How To Cope
Do you ever finish a long day with your kids and ask yourself why you were so mad at them?
Later, when you check out the photos of the day, you think that it wasn't so bad. But, you lose your cool, maybe a few times. You get short on patience, grumpy and before you know it you’re angry.
You know that this isn't good, useful or the way you want to be as a mother. But, the anger, it takes over your body, and before you know it, you're pointing fingers and yelling.
You might think that if your kid would just listen and listen the first time, or if your partner would get up and help more, maybe it won't happen again tomorrow. Maybe…
Maybe you're feeling angry because you're lonely, in pain, or feel like you're not a “good” mother.
Maybe you've been let down by your partner, family, or friends, or maybe people have been crossing your boundaries.
I know no one wants to be remembered as the angry mom or dad. Parenting is so hard, and it's actually really common to feel angry (especially under the constant pressure of being a “good” mother).
I totally get it - I'm right there with you.
It's important to figure out where your anger is coming from (hint: it's not coming out of nowhere) and find ways to deal with it so you can be the parent you want to be.
P.S. There is a special treat for the Hermione Granger’s who get to the bottom of this BLOG.
Six Mom Rage Triggers + Coping Tools
Kids walking all over you.
Taking things too personally.
Expectations too high.
Unmet Needs.
Trying to control everything.
Not having an outlet.
This list is not exhaustive, but might touch on a few points of frustration for you. Each of these is explained and described fully below.
1. Kids walking all over you
Yes, your kid’s needs and emotions matter, AND it is also crucial for them to grow up in a home where the parents are in charge. Before you have a visceral reaction to “in charge,” let me explain. You can validate and empathize with your children and still have boundaries. As a mom, you are responsible for creating a safe, secure, stable home environment for your kids, and this is best done in the form of boundaries. Boundaries actually help kids feel safe.
Setting boundaries DOES NOT make you a MEAN or unfair parent (even when your child doesn’t like the boundary or reacts out of anger). You can set limits in a gentle, positive and caring way.
COPING SKILL: Have a conversation with your partner and then (if age appropriate) have a family meeting. Express your frustrations and the implementation of the new boundary (and how it will create less anger and more calm).
2. Taking things too personally
Your child is a separate person with thoughts and feelings. Even though you birthed them, and they look and act like you, they're still separate. You've put in a ton of effort to keep them happy and healthy, but they're not thinking about everything you've done for them when they make choices. So, it's really not about you, mama.
Sometimes, your child will do something that bugs you and makes you mad. But it's important to remember that their actions are not a personal attack on you. They might reject the meal you made for them or do something you don't like, but that doesn't mean they're trying to hurt your feelings. They're just doing what they want based on their own likes and dislikes. So, try not to get too mad at them for stuff out of your control.
COPING SKILL: When you feel triggered/activated by your child, take a deep breath, literally turn your body away from them for a few seconds, focus on your feet, drop your shoulders, breathe again and say to yourself "This is not about me."
3. Expectations too high
“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” ― Anne Lamott
Remember this, raising kids is not an easy job. They are going to mess up, lie, do risky things, sneak around, push your buttons, and not listen. But that's how they learn to navigate this world. Your job is to make sure they do it safely. But hey, they are not perfect and neither are you or your partner.
COPING SKILL: Don't expect perfection from them or yourself. Learn to differentiate between healthy striving and perfection, and acknowledge that you are constantly learning and growing as a mom. Don't be too hard on yourself when you lose your sh*t (because you will). Show yourself some self-love and self-compassion.
4. Unmet needs
Did you know that the average mom works 98 hours a week?
You're basically doing two full-time jobs, no wonder you're feeling exhausted and pissed off. You can't do everything, or at least not everything well. It's okay to want a break, to have some alone time, and to feel overwhelmed. You're still a good mom, you still love your kids, and it's totally normal to have human emotions. Remember that you're human and you deserve a break (everyone does!).
If you're the type of mom who always puts their kids first, it might be hard to receive help or support, but trust me, it's empowering to ask for what you need. Once you get past any shame or guilt you might feel, you might find that other things start falling into place, too. Your headache might go away, your heart rate might slow down, and you can finally breathe again. You'll feel less angry and more relaxed.
COPING SKILL: Reach out to the people you love most in your life and ask for their support. Trust me when I say that they will want to help you in any way possible (and if they don’t want to help you, move down the list and don’t ask them next time).
5. Trying to control everything
Motherhood demands a lot from you but shouldn't compromise your mental well-being. While there are certain things that we must do, like eating and sleeping, there are other things that we don't necessarily need to act on. It may be difficult to accept, but some of your frustration in response to your children's behaviour stems from over-parenting (too much involvement by parents in their children's lives, so they try to help with or control with more then is needed).
COPING SKILL: Am I overcorrecting my kids? If yes, it's probably not them but you who's got some stuff to deal with. Calm yourself, breathe, meditate, and process your emotions to be ok with uncertainty.
6. Not having an outlet.
Sometimes when you’ve been prioritizing everything except yourself, you start getting irritated easily and even the smallest things can make you angry. You need to take your mind off your kids and their annoying habits. You need something, anything, that can help you calm down. There are many ways to deal with your anger, but only a few might work for you. I could suggest ten things, but you might not find eight of them useful. You know yourself better than anyone else, and if you listen to your inner voice, you will know what you need.
COPING SKILL: Dance it out. Sing it out. Art it out!
I’m Kayla Huszar, an expressive art therapist for moms.
I’m here to help moms be more chill because I know what it feels like for anger to feel uncontrollable, and it doesn’t have to be this way.
If you found this blog because you are trying to be a more regulated mom…
Then, I invite you to learn how to deal with anger in my anger workshop for moms. I have spent far too much time scrolling to figure out how to be a more regulated parent.
Your anger is showing up because it matters; it’s not “bad.” I know you feel like you “know” better because you are trying to break cycles and be a more gentle parent, but scrolling won’t fix it.
What will help is, all the things I cover in the Mom Rage Workshop:
Understanding anger as a human emotion
Knowing truth about anger and other emotions
Gaining tools for coping with anger
Practicing the skills in real time
Experiencing the journey of self regulation through guided therapeutic exercises.
