Emotional Regulation: What does it mean to be chill like a mother
As a busy mother, you know emotions can sometimes get the best of you. But what if there was a way to regulate those emotions, to be more chill and in control?
I'm a therapist for moms and ADHD mother who knows all about the pressures of motherhood and how to keep emotions in check (without having to buy anything or add more to your to-do list). So, if you have sent emotional regulation posts to your partner or "saved this for later," read on for my three reasons why scrolling for emotional regulation answers as a parent isn't enough!
In my 1:1 therapy work with mothers, I noticed a pattern; they kept saying "chill" to describe their mood and emotion regulation.
It sounded like this:
"I have zero chill."
"I thought I was going to be a chill mom..."
"Why can't I chill?"
"I was going to chill, but I didn't, and now I'm not chill."
They were describing emotional regulation, the ability to move through life's delightful and tough moments with more grace and gentleness (response instead of reaction). They wanted to engage in real self-care but didn't know how and certainly couldn't find the time when they were doing ALL of the things.
"Emotional regulation" refers to a human's capacity to effectively handle and respond to emotional experiences. I define emotional regulation (interchangeable with "chill") as your ability to be AWARE, ACCEPT, and take values-based ACTIONS in RESPONSE to (or in reaction to) life's everyday emotions and experiences.
Note: Chill is not chill all of the time. Chill is moving through states of stress and getting back to your window of tolerance, regulating in moments that need it and taking care of yourself when you are not-so-chill.
We unconsciously use emotional regulation practises (or dysregulating) every day. Some work or don't work in response to the myriad of parenting situations you find yourself in. Some practices make you feel more vibrant and alive, and some do not. Practices like real self-care (meeting your needs and responding to yourself with as much love and compassion as you do your kids) will make you feel the same or better, but never worse.
Being a mom is like swimming in the waves in the ocean. Sometimes, the waves are gentle; other times, they crash down on us, making us feel like we are drowning.
Imagine feeling your feelings (all of them because they all matter) – guilt, love, anguish, delight, sadness, maybe even anger – they're all part of the ocean that surrounds you DAILY.
Are you searching for something (anything) to calm the storm, to make it all stop, even if just for a moment? Or are you trying to calm yourself because you know the storm will pass?
Controlling your emotions can be as exhausting as controlling the ocean's waves. Feeling like you're drowning in motherhood pushes you to do things that don't really align with your values, like the desperate attempt to numb, avoid, disconnect, or escape, even if it's just for a little while.
How valuable would it be to have the tools to calm yourself and surrender to the waves of motherhood (and know when you need to hire a sailing teacher)? There are ways to navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of motherhood without drowning.
I am a therapist for moms, and these are the seven most crucial emotional regulation and real self-care practices I invite you to try (that won’t cost you anything):
Express yourself daily with art and written journaling.
Learn and practice sitting with difficult or uncomfortable emotions.
Get enough sleep
Practice anti-anxiety techniques such as leaning towards and/or accepting the things that make you anxious instead of avoiding them.
Pay attention and process emotions, triggers, patterns and negative thoughts.
Notice when you need a break and command it.
Therapy with a Registered Social Worker (like me 😉) claimable on your health benefits
What causes mothers to feel like they aren't in control or can't regulate their emotions?
Research shows that these feelings only last 60-90 seconds in our bodies and brains (unbelievable, right?). So, the emotion itself isn't really the problem. It's how we interpret or perceive the feeling or situation that causes those feelings to intensify, persist, or become more intense, leading to a low distress tolerance.
I call this the Riptide Cycle of Feelings.
Your body, emotions, thoughts, and actions are all interconnected. Let's break it down: the Riptide Cycle of Feelings explains how our bodies, emotions, thoughts, and actions are all connected and intertwined. Here's what I mean:
BODY SENSATIONS + SIGNALS
Your body reacts to the situation in ways you might not even notice. You might feel your heart racing, your palms sweating, or your stomach churning. These signals tell you that something's going on and needs attention.THOUGHTS
These things pass through your mind, whether you're aware of them or not. They can be conscious or subconscious.EMOTIONS
When something happens that triggers an emotion, you feel a certain way. This could be anger, joy, sadness, or any other feeling.BEHAVIOURS + ACTIONS
Based on how you feel, you'll usually do something. This could be as simple as smiling or as complicated as making a big decision.
Imagine a common parenting scenario:
Your tiny human won't sleep, and you've been patiently present for 45 minutes. You begin to feel emotions like anxiety, dismay, self-doubt, or anger, which quickly trigger a body sensation and signals and a series of thoughts:
"What did I do wrong?"
"I bet it's because..."
"I'm so tired; why won't they sleep? Why am I the only one doing bedtime..."
"My partner is probably enjoying their free time right now."
"Oh, it must be so nice..."
These initial feelings escalate into intense or intrusive thoughts, and you may strongly desire to avoid feeling those emotions. This desire turns into action, and you engage in certain behaviours (ex. passive communication, scrolling longer, silently seething, tensing your muscles, using a tone, or numbing yourself) to distract yourself from the feelings. Sound familiar?
This cycle can become a pattern over time. Without interruption, continued avoidance can lead to even more (unexplainable) body signals, negative thoughts and feelings, which reinforces your initial interpretation:
"Is this going to be my life now?"
"Why can't my partner see that I need a break?"
"Am I slowly descending into madness?"
"I can't believe I have to do this every day!"
Even an everyday event (one that you, deep down, actually want to enjoy) can quickly become something you dread and take up far too much headspace. This pattern and the feelings that come with it can be even more intense, complex and confusing when the events are more layered or complicated or remind us of a past experience.
Ok, Kayla
I get it! I need to feel the feelings. What do I do now?
Pay attention and gain awareness of the relationship between the body > thought > emotion > behavior + action relationship.
Get your journal or your notes app and copy and paste these questions. Take the next 10-20 minutes to answer them.
What moments in parenting trigger a strong reaction (or emotion) in me?
Which emotions do I avoid or find hard to tolerate?
Which emotions do I find easiest to feel/tolerate?
What actions do I take to "calm" these feelings down?
How do these actions make me feel (better, same, worse)? Do these actions continue to serve me?
What is unfinished or needs my attention?
What are the beliefs I have about myself, others, or life that tend to get me stuck in the cycle?
On the flip side, what thoughts and beliefs help me see the good and give the most generous assumption (to me and my family)?
How do I move into the unknown?
It is important to note that most of us have different practices for dealing with emotions, even when they are overwhelming. What often happens is that we use strategies in one situation and don’t realize we could apply them in another (guilty!).
For instance, a mother may use art journaling to manage stress and express her creativity. However, when she feels angry about her partner not participating in the bedtime routine, she drinks wine, mindlessly scrolling, and overeats chocolate to avoid the feelings and the necessary conversation that could lead to real change.
While art journaling may have helped calm her racing thoughts and emotions in both situations, she may not have considered it because of the intense and repetitive nature of the bedtime situation, prompting her to want to quickly reduce the intensity. This desire to avoid her feelings clouded her ability to recognize and address the underlying issues, something that might have been possible if she had taken the time to journal.
The (often unconscious) desire to reduce, avoid or numb feelings is one of the most common reasons for mindless (over)scrolling in mothers (a common conversation I have with moms on Instagram). Before you come at me, the scrolling isn't the problem. Scrolling is the solution to wanting to escape the drowning in motherhood, and it's a pretty easy one.
But two things are true: it can be the solution, and the drowning of life will only change if you interrupt it.
If you want to interrupt the pattern of scrolling (or whatever your pattern is), there are other ways to escape!
Art as therapy with a registered social worker is one way!
I am accepting new virtual clients all across Canada:
Art as Therapy for Moms living in Alberta or Saskatchewan that you can submit to your health benefits (because I'm a Registered Social Worker in these two provinces).
Creative Coaching for Moms across Canada: Same-same as therapy, only you can't claim on your benefits.
