Mom-Anxiety: Oh, I Know That B*tch All to Well
If you are a mom and you've met my friend mom-anxiety (as a whisper, or as a full-blown sh*t storm) - this blog is for you.
I can’t speak for you, but many of the moms I support find themselves teetering on a tightrope - thoughts racing, coffee cold, wondering how much longer they can carry the weight of everything without falling apart.
And when things fall apart, it’s not always about the baby crying, the toddler needing the blue cup, or the school-ager feeling unjust about screen time limits.
It’s about everything leading up to that moment. Things left unsaid, numbed, avoided, or detached from. The nervous system doesn’t know how to handle that much sensory input, so it feels like a hundred open tabs in your brain:
I hate it when he talks to the kids like that.
Did I reply to that school email?
I need to schedule the dentist appointments.
Did I smile enough today?
Did I just screw them up by yelling?
Is this anxiety… or just motherhood?
We’re told parenting is hard, but no one breaks down the math of it.
No one tells you that the equation isn’t just sleep schedules and saying sorry - it’s all on you - breaking the cycles + gender stereotypes + overstimulation + unprocessed trauma + guilt, all multiplied by the expectation to “cherish every moment” (pllllease….).
As my friend Olivia Scobie said,
“We have a common understanding that parenting is hard, but very little discussion about what it is exactly that makes parenting so hard.”
So… Why Does Modern Parenting Feel Hard?
The experience of anxiety in motherhood - the kind that creeps in quietly and sets up camp in your body.
The kind that turns you into a chronic Googler, a worst-case-scenario fortune teller, a person who gets ragey over crumbs because the crumbs feel like chaos, and chaos feels like too much with a side of failure.
My Rock Bottom in Motherhood Was Silently Eating Sh*t While Wearing a Smile
If you’re a 90s kid like me, you might remember Something to Talk About (assuming your mom had a soft spot for Julia Roberts), the movie. If you’re not a 90s kid or have no idea what I’m talking about then here…
There’s this one scene that’s seared into my memory - Julia, sitting at the dinner table with her family, freshly betrayed, emotionally raw, and surrounded by people who are more concerned with keeping up appearances than her actual wellbeing.
Her dad, all proper and patriarchal, suggests she patch things up with her cheating @$$ husband - because there’s a land deal on the line. Because he’s a “good guy.” Because... you know, priorities.
And Julia - iconic, fiery Julia - cuts through the BS like only she can:
“You're telling me if I just eat sh*t politely with a knife and fork... and learn to swallow the handfuls of bullshit he serves me, then everything will be A-okay? Is that it? That's what you're saying, isn’t it?”
If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be grateful instead of grieving, to be pleasant instead of pissed off, to keep it together for the sake of the marriage/kids/community/bank account/reputation - then you know exactly what she meant.
This is what modern motherhood often feels like. Like sitting at that table. Everyone’s got their polite expectations and tidy suggestions. Meanwhile, you’re silently screaming inside, choking down the crushing emotional labor with a side of disassociation.
No wonder anxiety thrives here.
No wonder moms stay silent.
No wonder it takes two years (or more) to even name what’s happening.
In case you missed it: Chappell Roan was on Call Her Daddy recently and she said:
“All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s, like, happy and has children at this age. I literally have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”
I hold space for women every day and this can be true for some, but not all. The bigger question I have about this is… Why? Why are there so many women silently suffering? Why do moms have no light in their eyes? Why haven’t they slept?
There is a silent epidemic that so many moms are living through - the invisibility of anxiety and its normalcy and glorification.
I lived with the b*tch friend mom anxiety for nearly two years - a diagnosable level of anxiety and OCD that went unnoticed and made every decision feel high stakes and no manual.
I wasn’t sleeping, because my baby wasn’t sleeping (which is totally normal at 4 months postpartum - but I was not prepared for it).
And when I finally whispered for help through cracked nipples and clenched teeth, the only advice I got from the medical professionals was: Just sleep train.
So I did. I followed the sleep method like a good solider following orders. I watched the clock. I tracked wake windows like NASA.
I cried quietly into my hoodie while Googling “why won’t my baby sleep???” at midnight, 2 a.m., and 4.
And when the sleep training* “didn’t work,” the only thing I was left to believe was: Either my baby is the problem or I’m the problem.
Not the impossible standards for parenting
Not the ooooodles of information I could find online that would align with my point of view and discount it in the next blog.
Not my unmanaged anxiety.
Not the system.
Not the outdated research on safe sleep.
Not the expectations.
Not the complete lack of postpartum support. Me.
If you are nodding along… Here’s the 5 second mom anxiety fix: recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture the anxious thoughts (called the RAIN method) - something I wish I could go back and whisper to that version of me, sitting on the floor, holding my breath so I wouldn’t wake the baby:
It wasn’t merely about the insane lack of sleep for me. It was what the sleep represented — my whole f*cking life changing overnight, blindsided by the realities of postpartum and impossible pressures of motherhood. Deep down (deep, deep, deep down), I knew it was a pattern of anxious self-abandonment (aka, people pleasing dressed up as being a “good” mom), compounded by my undiagnosed ADHD, but I didn’t know what to do about it.
Those first 18months of motherhood felt as though I was silently falling apart in the dark, desperately pretending I was just fine when the bright, welcoming light of dawn came through my blackout curtains.
That’s the insidious nature of undiagnosed anxiety at any stage of motherhood; it stealthily steals your peaceful nights and, in its place, leaves a haze of exhaustion, shame, and muddled thoughts during the daylight. I remember thinking, “Is this really how it’s supposed to feel?”
But wait. It doesn’t have to be this way. This overwhelming level of anxiety isn’t set in stone; it’s not an unmovable mountain you must accept without question. True healing doesn’t happen by dutifully trying to “fix” yourself, like you’re some sort of DYI project stashed in the corner.
No, it begins with the profound realization that you were never truly broken to begin with.
As mothers, we must take proactive, courageous actions for our mental health (not just read about them - though I am so glad you’re here).
What the Numbers Really Say
Did you know that:
95% of moms say they want to do better in at least one area of life
80% report high stress
70% are exhausted
62% feel off-balance
56% are stretched too thin
These aren’t just stats about maternal mental health:
They are the silent cries whispered into breast pumps, uneaten chicken fingers, and the frantic clicking to snag those coveted swimming lesson spots.
They are the clenched jaws in the Costco parking lot, with a cute little ticking time bomb strapped into the car seat.
They are those candy bribes hidden behind the perfectly (pressured) posed annual family photo smiles.
The hardest part? We don’t talk about it enough in a way that creates change. Moms discuss parenting worries often (especially in Facebook mom groups online), but it feels like a guessing game - unclear on what mom anxiety truly is, how much is too much and how to cope with it.
We vent about the chaos and pressure, but the real answers get overlooked amidst the distractions and busy lives.
What Mom Anxiety Sounds Like
That looping internal monologue most of us don’t even realize isn’t normal.
It sounds like:
“I should be better at this.”
“There’s too much to do and not enough time.”
“I think I made a huge mistake.”
“Why isn’t anyone validating me?”
“I need to find the perfect product for this.”
“I’m inadequate.”
This isn’t just run of the mill “normal” stress. It’s a soundtrack of shoulds, self-doubt, pressure, and perfectionism - playing quietly while you make lunch, answer emails, and do all the things.
Anxiety Rarely Looks Like You Think it Should
If you’ve ever looked around at your life - healthy kids, food on the table, love in the room - and still felt like you’re hanging on by a frayed thread, you’re not broken, and you might be anxious. And it doesn’t always show up the way we were told it would.
More likely mom anxiety shows up as:
Irritability and restlessness that makes sitting still feel like wearing itchy wool
Snapping at everyone - even the dog, the goldfish, or the washing repair person
Obsessive organizing or over-functioning to outrun the feeling that you’re failing
Headaches, jaw clenching, stomach pain that medicine doesn’t really fix
A deep, gnawing sense that something’s off - even if life looks “fine” from the outside
These aren’t personality flaws. They’re alarm bells.
Telltale signs that your body is trying to keep you afloat in a life that demands too much and validates too little.
They’re your nervous system on its knees, begging you to notice. Just to pause. Just to listen.
Why A Lot of Moms Try to DIY Their Anxiety
I’m a mental health professional.
And yet - I lived with undiagnosed perinatal anxiety and OCD for two years.
Two. Years.
I thought what I was feeling was normal.
That everyone was living with a soundtrack of intrusive thoughts, a buzzing brain that never shut off (except when I collapsed into sleep), and a baseline of soul-sucking guilt... all while putting the “good mom” foot forward like it was my job.
I honestly thought anxiety was just the tax of modern motherhood (and I was paying my dues, on time, without question).
But here’s the truth:
It’s not.
And it doesn’t have to be.
Anxiety often hides in plain sight. It slips past diagnosis because:
You can’t see it - no fever, no rash, no cast
We avoid it and call it “fine” or “being strong”
You’re told to cherish every moment, even the ones that have you questioning “what is wrong with me?”
You’re expected to be grateful, not grieving the parts of yourself that got lost
You feel ashamed for struggling when everyone else seems to be “fine” (whatever that means)
Even the well-meaning advice - can sting like lemon in a paper cut.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“This too shall pass.”
“Have you tried lavender oil?”
You’re left feeling even more isolated. Like maybe the problem is you after all.
Let’s just clear this up right now, mama:
You didn’t cause this.
You didn’t manifest it by not being grateful enough.
You’re not inadequate.
You’re not broken.
And you’re definitely not “too sensitive.” (Ugh—don’t even get me started on that tired narrative.)
Anxiety in motherhood doesn’t sprout from nowhere. It grows in the messy soil of biology, thought patterns, and real-life conditions that demand everything and then some.
Risk Factors for Anxiety in Motherhood
Source: Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings
🧪 Biology
Hormones - estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol
A genetic hand-me-down - yep, it can run in families
Neurotransmitter imbalances (hi serotonin, we miss you)
Sleep deprivation and chronic stress - the sneakiest saboteurs of mental health
Undiagnosed ADHD
🧠 Cognitive Patterns
Perfectionism and “I should be doing more” loops that never shut up
Rumination - replaying that one moment 87 different ways
Catastrophic spirals and what-if rabbit holes
Intrusive thoughts - especially postpartum, and especially terrifying
If you’ve ever had a disturbing image or an intrusive thought flash across your mind and wondered what is wrong with me—hear this:
You are not broken.
You are human.
These thoughts are common.
They are treatable.
And they say nothing about who you are as a mother or a person.
💥 Real Life Conditions
And then there’s the part no one wants to talk about—how the system itself stacks the odds:
Unexpected pregnancy
Solo parenting with zero margins for meltdown
Loss, birth trauma or fertility grief that still stings
Financial stress and job insecurity
Parenting while neurodivergent, disabled, or chronically ill
Zero support, zero community, zero rest
The weight of systemic injustice - racism, sexism, classism
Colic, reflux, or sensory challenges (aka, a baby or older child who needs more than you physically have to give)
Anxiety doesn’t just “happen.” It builds, slowly, silently, systematically. And naming where it comes from? That’s not blaming. That’s reclaiming your power.
Why We Feel So Powerless as Anxious Moms
You were likely raised on “you can be anything!”
Now we’re expected to be everything - with everything on you, different villages, no rest, and no room to fall apart.
And the rules?
The more you sacrifice, the more you love.
Keep it natural, but not too crunchy.
Be sexy by bedtime.
Make every moment magical.
Smile through the unraveling.
And still… some part of us waits to be rescued.
Cue the Disney soundtrack.
No shame in that - we were raised on princesses. But now? We’re the mom, responsible for humans.
What Not to Do When You're Drowning in Mom Anxiety
This list comes from love, not judgment - because I’ve done them all:
Scrolling until your eyes hurt
Opening 45 tabs but processing nothing
Crying quietly while your partner snores
Rejecting help because “I should be able to handle this”
Avoiding the hard stuff until your body forces a breakdown
Skipping your counselling appointment
4 Simple Anti-Anxiety Coping Tools
(in five minutes or less, because... mom life)
1. Recognize the Relentlessness
Name it to tame it, mama. When your brain won’t quit, when your chest feels like it’s hosting a cage match of “what ifs” - pause. Whisper to yourself: This is anxiety. It makes sense. I’m not crazy. I’m overwhelmed.
You are allowed to call out the monster under the bed. Especially when that monster is invisible but bossy as hell.
2. Allow the Chaos (Without Getting Stuck There)
You don’t have to “calm down.”
You just have to feel.
Emotions that are felt can move. (Science says most big feelings pass in about 90 seconds.)
Let the tears come.
Let the anger simmer.
Let the numbness stay if it needs to.
Emotions denied? They dig in and set up camp.
Emotions allowed? They move through.
3. Investigate and Nurture
This one’s half detective, half fairy godmother.
Ask yourself:
What am I believing about myself right now?
Whose voice is this?
Is this truth—or just a tired story passed down by the “good mom” myth and generational pressure?
Then nurture. Not with sugar-coated affirmations. With real self-compassion.
Ask: What does this vulnerable part of me need right now?
4. Create Your Way Through It
Enter: the magic of art journaling, doodling, scribbling, or angrily dancing to your teenage music in your kitchen.
“Creative Expression. Engaging in creative activities today leads to more energy, excitement, and enthusiasm tomorrow. Why? How? Like sports, the arts—including painting, sculpture, music, theater, and storytelling in all forms—create a context that tolerates, even encourages, big emotions.” - Nagoski, Emily; Nagoski, Amelia. Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
Grab a pen, a marker, some scrap paper, or even that unopened journal that’s been giving you the side-eye.
Draw your overwhelm. Collage your craving for rest. Write a letter you’ll never send. You just need a few brave moments of honesty - and a soft, sacred space to fall apart.
Because healing doesn’t mean reading more about coping with anxiety. It means making room for all of you. Even the anxious, quirky, fiercely tender parts.
First time we're meeting? Hey mamas, I’m Kayla.
Registered Social Worker
Counsellor, expressive arts therapy guide, and ADHD mom who knows what it’s like to quietly fall apart behind the “good mom” mask.
I help overwhelmed, overthinking mothers who are done white-knuckling it through the day-to-day. Together, you’ll build coping tools that actually work - in real life, not just in theory - for the highs, the lows, and all the messy sh*t in between.
* PSA about sleep training:
If you’re contemplating sleep training as a resource for your family, here’s my gentle nudge: follow your values, not my story. I know the research is still doing its back-and-forth dance on this one. My two cents? I tried sleep training because I genuinely thought it could help our family. When it didn’t, we kept looking. That doesn’t make it bad, it just means it wasn’t our answer. In this modern parenting culture, there’s a tendency to hyper-focus on “teaching” babies how to behave - but often, the real need is supporting the mother as she navigates the exhaustion, pressure, and self-doubt that no chart or schedule can solve. If you’re chewing on this and want to talk it out or would like some additional resources, feel free to email me. I’d love to chat with you about this.
Sources:
Shapiro, Livia. The Somatic Therapy Workbook: Stress-Relieving Exercises for Strengthening the Mind-Body Connection and Sparking Emotional and Physical Healing (p. 27). (Function). Kindle Edition.
Scobie, Olivia. Impossible Parenting: Creating a New Culture of Mental Health for Parents (Function). Kindle Edition.
Worthington, Alli (2023). Remaining You While Raising Them: The Secret Art of Confident Motherhood (Function). Kindle Edition.
Follow Kayla on her Instagram account @kayla.huszar for mom life reality and tips!
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