Five things I wish I knew before giving birth, as a social worker

Most pregnant people want to be prepared for postpartum but don’t really know what to expect. They know life will change but aren’t sure how to prepare for it.

Postpartum preparations are like preparing for a marathon without knowing the route or the terrain. You've got all the checklists: nursery, hospital bag, and baby gear, but what about the mental health checklist? The one that prepares your heart for the uncertainty of bringing home a baby?

You've likely seen a new-mom meltdown or two on social media. You'd like to avoid that (or at least put some things in place to prevent being completely blindsided by life with a newborn).

As a therapist for moms-to-be, I've learned that prepping emotionally is the secret to an easy postpartum.

I’m curious, how many dollars and hours have you spent designing your nursery, preparing for childbirth, and/or preparing your hospital bag…

… compared to the dollars and hours you’ve spent tending to your mental health?

Because I hear from women all the time about how under-prepared they were for the fourth trimester.

How valuable would it be to be really, like really prepared for the realities of life with a newborn?

During my pregnancy, I was already living with anxiety (unknowingly and unconsciously), and no one caught on it till I was 18m postpartum and absolutely not ok.

My mental health struggles were invisible till I wasn't able to "hide" them anymore. Within the first few weeks of new motherhood, I was consumed with daily (sometimes hourly) thoughts of failure, regret, divorce and intrusive thoughts. Still, I didn't know that what I was experiencing wasn't "normal," so I didn't talk about it, and no one was talking to me about it.

I was getting out of bed every day and doing the things (some might call this high functioning). I flew under the radar for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMADS) screenings. I was having vivid intrusive thoughts of dying and not having a will, and I married a shift worker who couldn't work unless we had a nanny (and money to pay for it). It was after a particular distressing stream of intrusive thoughts that I booked a therapy session with a new therapist, and it helped immediately. 

I wish someone had asked me how I was, and I also wish I had been vulnerable enough to share what I was living with every day. Since then, I have learned that perfectionism is really avoidance and type a isn't always something to brag about… I have also learned how to emotionally regulate and manage my anxieties, and I want to share with you five things I wish I had known before giving birth. 

5 things I wish I knew before giving birth:

1. That my mental health would take an unexpected nose dive (despite being a type a, overachiever and very “prepared”): Pregnancy can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions (and postpartum even more so). 1 in 7 pregnant and 1 in 3 postpartum people will experience a level of anxiety that deserves and needs support. Prioritizing your mental health is vital. Finding a perinatal mental health therapist is arguably the most important thing you can prioritize (in your budget and mindset)!

2. Even when you think your childhood stuff is behind you, it’s not: Previous adverse experiences and traumas can resurface during pregnancy and postpartum making it hard to feel emotionally regulated. Acknowledging these lived experiences and going to therapy will help you.

3. Everyone is wearing a mask: You can't judge a book by its cover, and the same applies to the parents you meet (or see online). Someone may appear to be okay or even great, but they may be struggling behind the scenes. Comparisons steal joy, and people tend to share their highlights on social media, not their meltdowns. Be mindful of falling into the trap of thinking, "She has her life more together than I do."

4. I knew my relationship would change, but I didn’t expect I would “hate” my husband and his useless nipples: 60% of couples report decreased relationship satisfaction in the first three years of life after pregnancy. Becoming a parent will change the status quo of your partnership, especially when gender roles are changing and emotions are sensitive (and sleep very, very low). The Postpartum Plan is going to be your best ally so you can avoid this common relationship shift.

5. Beware the Default Parent Trap: The default parent is the one who does all the things (caregiving, household stuff, emotional and invisible labor) and is most often the woman or birthing person. The societal expectation that mothers should do the majority of the parenting is completely and utterly exhausting and unfair (honestly, maternity leave sets women up for this BS). Openly discussing nursery decor, diaper bags, daycares, pumping and sleeping decisions is something most couples don’t discuss till they are drowning in expectations. So, start talking about it now.

Pregnant people need and deserve the tools to manage expectations, racing thoughts and never-ending Google searches. I created The Fourth Trimester Resources for before your baby arrives because most of my postpartum clients were coming to me blindsided by the realities of life with a newborn.

Many of my pregnant clients have prevented a new-mom meltdown! Because they were intentional about creating a smooth transition, avoided overstimulation and miscommunications and were able to focus on healing and bonding (and not worry about anything else).

So, what now mama-to-be? Take these steps today to be regulated and ready for life with a newborn!

1. Decide online course OR therapy session?
   Which is a better fit for your time and budget? You already know what you need.

2. Sign Up + Learn the secrets to more chill.
   Learn the simple chill skills you can use in the face of uncertainty.

3. Be a CHILL mom.
   Trust yourself, bond with your baby and avoid a new-mom meltdown.

You can be a chill newborn mom!

Have a chill rest of your day,

Kayla Huszar