Three secrets to getting through toddler bedtimes without losing your mind
Toddler emotions don't often make sense and cannot be reasoned with.
They make sound decisions based on age, development, and personal preferences.
Do they make sense to adults? Absolutely flocking not!
Do I need six stuffed puppies to head off to bed (all the puppies in the whole house)? No.
Do I need to find and wear swim goggles to bed? No.
Do I need the right blanket? Actually, yes. I am very particular about my blankets.
AND I do love some bedtime smooches and cuddles.
Toddlers make no flocking sense, and they eat up a lot of a person's capacity, patience and nerves.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because bedtime with my toddler was a complete nightmare tonight, maybe you can relate? My three year old pulled out all the stops:
Crying, screaming, hitting, pushing and more crying
Not wanting to get in the tub (but having to get in the tub because well three-year-olds and daycare mean sandy feet, dusty legs and sticky hands)
Throwing a fit in the tub (leading to a quick wash and hands on the whole time so no one got hurt)
Being pulled out of the tub because safety was no longer viable and splashing was too intense
15 minutes of begging and pleading to get PJs on, finally settling on these clothes for bedtime
3 stories took another 5 minutes to pick out, and then a fourth was added
After the toddler tantrum, we crawled into bed, and he said, "Mommy, I love you." And in the time it took me to type that up... he's now fast asleep.
I tried every parenting hack/tactic in the book to get through the 50-minute toddler tantrum:
I sang the bedtime instructions
I held quiet space when emotions got intense
I tried to be funny and playful
I enlisted brothers' help
I validated emotions
I gave direct, supportive communication
I tried counting to give choices
I let him push on me when he was really mad
I didn't react when he hit me and screamed at me
I stayed close when he told me to go (he really never wants me to go when he says "go away")
Sometimes, as a mother, you can do everything to make bedtime go smoothly for you and your toddler, and it won't make a difference.
Toddler emotions cannot be controlled or changed, they need to be felt, and allowed to pass. All you can do is be present, surrender, and allow the moment to pass. (And don’t forget to follow up with any natural consequences to aggression when everyone’s emotions are back to baseline)
When clients get into my office after reading something like this, they often ask me how I found my chill in these intense moments. Here are my three chill toddler bedtime secrets:
Paying attention to your thoughts (this isn’t about you) - I really work on not taking this personally or as a reflection of my parenting.
Noticing your breath and voice - making sure I stay present with my physical sensations, keeping me (or returning me) inside my window of tolerance.
Keep telling yourself it is temporary - On repeat, I tell myself that this moment will pass, and it is okay that he feels this way and that I could sit in it and hold space.
P.S. I've had many moments of getting outside my window of tolerance and losing my ever-loving mind or needing to be tapped out by my partner. And by-the-by midway through this, I raised my voice and said, "Enough". I want you to read this and refrain from making assumptions or comparisons.
When you want to be regulated at bedtime and can't, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, then cue the mom guilt. You start to wonder if you're doing something wrong as a mother.
As a therapist for moms, I have the resources you need to feel regulated. I have worked with hundreds of mothers like you. I will help you find your chill, so you can be vibrant and feel alive (again).
Because I believe you are doing your best right now and tomorrow might be even better with support.
1 - If you are constantly confused and annoyed by your tiny dictator- it's normal, and you are not alone. 💛💛
2 - If you are a postpartum mom, your baby turns into a toddler. If you are a toddler mom, your toddler turns into a preschooler, then a schoolager, then a teenager. And if you think you can do it all alone now, it doesn’t get “easier” in the next phase, it just gets different. Your capacity grows and depletes in different ways with every stage.
