Mama, find yourself losing it over seemingly minor annoyances?
The dishes are overflowing. The laundry is piled high in the corner. Your kid asks the 500th question of the day.
And then you lose it.
Mom rage can feel like it comes out of nowhere, but we can trace it back. It's all the little things that build up.
I hear this from moms often: "I can't say I take a lot of time to feel what I'm feeling. I push it away, and sometimes I get stuck there."
I'm Kayla Huszar, a mom guilt therapist and Registered Social Worker in Leduc, Alberta. Anger and rage have been the topic of many conversations with my therapy clients over the years.
In this post, you'll find 5 coping tools for mom rage, 6 the six triggers my clients bring up the most, and a free anger meditation with journal prompts.
If you want to go deeper, my free private podcast series, Good Moms Get Mad, is linked further down.
Five coping tools for mom rage
1. in the moment: drop into your feet
In the heat of the moment, see if you can notice your feet on the floor. Do you feel grounded at all? Or does your sense of self feel like it's floating above you?
Your emotions and your body are connected. When you drop into your feet, you can help your body shift out of fight mode and into a calmer state.
A therapist taught me this tool when I was going through a lot of anger toward my oldest son. It helped me notice how I was moving through the room: the pace of my movements, the tension, the cadence, the tone.
This is a skill, and you can practice it.
2. Later: write a note from your anger
When you have time to process, journal out your feelings. Start with "I am your anger... I need..." and keep writing.
Writing can help you get out of your thinking brain.
3. Check your tank: are your needs being met?
Check in with your needs. Have you been meeting them, or have you been running on empty?
This one is hard for a lot of moms. If you're an overgiver, an overachiever, or the one who keeps everything running, being asked what you need or how you feel can feel strange. It can even feel triggering.
4. Speak up: assertive communication
You can't hot bath your way out of mom rage (sorry not sorry).
You can't keep saying yes to the PTA and the hockey fundraising team, go to your friend's house every time she needs you, rescue your partner from every hard moment, and never let your family sit in a little discomfort… Well you can, but you’ll keep on losing it.
Assertive communication is arguably the most important skill for coping with mom rage. It's how you say what you need out loud, so the little things don't keep piling up.
5. When it feels like too much: reach out for help
If your anger feels scary, intense, or all consuming, consider reaching out for help.
Maybe you're barely holding it all together. You've exploded a time or two (or ten) on your kids, and you feel awful about it. You wish you had someone to talk to about how intense your anger feels.
You've landed on the right blog post. I help moms in person in Leduc and online across Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Ontario move through their anger.
Why mom rage feels like it comes out of nowhere
You know anger. You know how it feels. And mom rage feels different.
It consumes you. It sneaks up on you, and before you know it, you're exploding.
Then cue the shame spiral. You feel guilty for blowing up. You feel horrible for yelling at your kids. You feel gut-wrenched for reacting this way.
Dr. Sophie Brock, a motherhood studies sociologist, calls this the anger-guilt trap. The anger builds from all the little things. Then the guilt we feel after we blow up adds to the pile, and the next blow-up can come even faster.
The anger iceberg (motherhood version)
When we trace mom rage back, this is usually what we find.
Anger is the part of the iceberg above the water. Beneath it sit sadness, resentment, guilt, shame, loneliness, and more.
Sometimes it's easier to explode than it is to cry. Sometimes it's easier to yell than to ask for what you need. Sometimes it's easier to just shove it down.
"But Kayla, I don't get angry. Anger is scary. I can't admit that I'm angry at my kids."
I know that for many moms, anger in motherhood is a touchy topic. Many years of conditioning lead us to believe that anger is bad, uncomfortable, and unacceptable.
Your anger is normal. You are a human, having human feelings.
A FREE Private Podcast Series for Moms who want to stop losing their shit over the small and big things
Six mom rage triggers my clients bring up the most (there are way more)
Rage triggers can be things you know shouldn't bother you, but they still do. These are the six I hear about most in my office. Trust me, the list goes on.
Walking it back to figure out why your anger bubbled up is key.
1. When your kids don't listen
You ask once. You ask again. If only your kids would listen.
2. Running on low sleep
Everything feels bigger when you're running on empty.
3. When plans change at the last minute
Your partner calls to say they won't make it home for supper.
4. The mess that keeps piling up
The overflowing dishes. The laundry piled high in the corner. If only your partner would put the laundry away without being asked.
5. The 500th question
Not the first question. The 500th one, at the end of a long day (or by 10:00am).
6. Getting stuck when you're already stretched thin
The extra long line when you finally got the nerve to go out and shop. The red light when you're trying to get home with a crying baby in the backseat.
Losing it doesn't feel good, and there are better ways to move through it.
mom rage meditation
After listening, reflect and journal on the following:
Write "I am your anger... I need..."
👤 How does your body feel right now?
🤕 Where in your body are you holding stress and tension?
😠 Where are you holding your anger?
🟥 What colour or shape is your anger?
👌🏼 What colour or shape would shift that anger into something calmer and more peaceful?
Grab a pen or pencil and draw your anger, then draw the colour or shape it shifts into.
FAQ: What moms ask about mom rage
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Mom rage is a kind of overwhelming anger, so intense it can't be called just "anger." It can consume you and sneak up on you, and before you know it, you're exploding.
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It's all the little things that build up. When we push our feelings away, they pile up, and one small thing can tip us over.
Research backs this up. In the Seeing Red study from the University of Victoria, moms' anger after birth showed up when their expectations of motherhood weren't met, when their needs for sleep, support, and time for themselves weren't met, and when stress, exhaustion, or resentment left them on edge (Ou, Hall, Rodney, and Stremler, 2022: https://doi.org/10.1177/10497323221120173).
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Yes (and no*). Anger is an emotion, just like the rest of them. You are a human, having human feelings.
*No, if your anger feels intense and keeps showing up. The Seeing Red researchers found that intense anger in the first two years after birth may be a sign of postpartum distress, and they recommend that moms be screened for it (Ou, Hall, Rodney, and Stremler, 2022: https://doi.org/10.1177/10497323221120173). If that sounds like you, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional, or book a free consult with me: https://kaylahuszar.janeapp.com
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If your anger feels scary, intense, or all consuming, consider reaching out. In the Seeing Red study, support from partners, family, friends, and health care providers helped moms manage their anger (Ou, Hall, Rodney, and Stremler, 2022: https://doi.org/10.1177/10497323221120173).
You can book a free consult with me: https://kaylahuszar.janeapp.com
Go deeper with Good Moms Get Mad
If this post gave you a starting point, Good Moms Get Mad picks up from here.
It's my free private podcast series, three short episodes you can listen to on a walk or during nap time. You'll hear why good moms get mad the most and how the guilt can make it worse, what your mom rage is trying to tell you, and a 5-minute mom rage reset you can use in the moment.
If you'd like one-on-one support, I see moms in person in Leduc, Alberta, and online across Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Ontario. Book a free consult.
Learn more about how I work with mom rage.
