70. ADHD Mom Identity Crisis: A Raw Guide to Reclaiming Yourself in Motherhood
Motherhood already demands more hats than a royal wedding, but slap ADHD onto that and you’re not just juggling hats - you’re also trying to remember where you put them while hyper-focusing on a completely unrelated task at 2 AM.
For ADHD moms, the struggle isn’t just about managing executive dysfunction while raising small humans (though, let’s be real, that alone is a lot). It’s also about the slow, sneaky erosion of self - the way society whispers that "good moms" should be selfless, gentle, perfectly regulated, and endlessly engaged, while our neurodivergent mom brains are screaming, "BUT I NEED TO BE MYSELF OR I WILL LITERALLY COMBUST."
So, how do we find our way back? How do we stop drowning in expectations and start reclaiming the parts of us that existed before motherhood took over? Let’s get into it.
The Motherhood Identity Crisis: Who Even Am I Anymore?
"You don’t realize how much you’ve lost yourself," explains Stacey, co-host of Mother Plus podcast. "You get to a point where maybe you’re finally getting some sleep, you look in the mirror and think, ‘My God, what happened? Where did I go?’"
And wow, if that doesn’t hit like a truck full of unwashed laundry.
In early motherhood, you become so enmeshed in the mother-infant vortex that you stop even seeing yourself as a separate entity. But then, one day, your kid doesn’t need you as much, and suddenly, there’s this gaping space where you used to be.
Cue the existential crisis.
Mom Guilt vs. Mom Shame: Let’s Get Real
Most of what we call “mom guilt” isn’t guilt at all. It’s shame. And there’s a big difference.
👉 Guilt says, “I did something bad.”
👉 Shame says, “I am bad.”
As I put it in our conversation, "If you feel guilty, inherently in the definition, you're motivated to change. What moms label as mom guilt is actually shame."
For ADHD moms, who are often already battling rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) (aka, feeling like a failure at the first sign of imperfection), this shame can be particularly crushing. You don’t just feel bad about forgetting school picture day - you spiral into I’m a terrible mom, I’m failing, my kids deserve better territory.
And that’s why we have to unlearn the shame cycle.
Parenting Wasn’t Built for the ADHD Brain (And That’s Not Your Fault)
ADHD brains thrive in creativity, not rigid schedules. When we're forced into the "perfectly regulated, always engaged" parenting mold, we don't just burn out—we disconnect from ourselves.
Here's the thing: creative expression isn't just a hobby. It's a lifeline back to who you are outside of motherhood. Kayla Huszar's work is built on this truth—helping moms reclaim themselves through expressive creativity. When we stop stifling our creative energy, we stop stifling ourselves.
But have they met an ADHD brain?
For some moms, that level of constant engagement feels natural. But for ADHD moms? It feels like we're being fed into a machine that wasn't built for us.
"There are some moms who recalibrate naturally," notes Stephanie. "We've all met them in our baby groups—they're tired, sure, but they're in their element. This is what they were meant to do."
And then there's us, hiding in the pantry crying over spilled Cheerios while hyper-focusing on reorganizing the spice rack instead of folding laundry.
Maternal Ambivalence Is a Thing (And No, You’re Not a Monster for Feeling It)
Let’s say it loud for the people in the back: You can love your kids fiercely and still mourn the parts of yourself that feel lost.
"Women cannot change the world if we are exhausted and starving," I said in this convo. And I mean starving in every sense - starving for rest, for joy, for our own goddamn lives outside of caregiving.
This isn’t about abandoning motherhood. It’s about mothering yourself, too.
Because you don’t have to burn your identity on the altar of motherhood. You get to be a mom and a whole, thriving human being.
Your Motherhood, Your Rules
Every ADHD mom needs to craft her own motherhood survival recipe - one that actually works for her neurodivergent brain. Maybe that includes:
✔️ Regular alone time (yes, even if you have to fight for it).
✔️ Movement and play (ADHD brains need to move).
✔️ Creative outlets (writing, music, crafts—whatever makes you feel alive).
✔️ Maintaining connections with pre-motherhood friends.
✔️ Therapy or coaching with someone who gets ADHD.
✔️ Delegating what you can’t do alone.
✔️ Permission to parent in a way that works for you.
Your Wild Woman Is Still in There
Just because you became a mother doesn’t mean you stopped being you.
Your wild woman? She never left. She’s been waiting. Beneath the laundry piles. Behind the to-do lists. Under the expectations that were never yours to carry.
She’s still in there—laughing, dreaming, creating. And she’s ready to come back to life. You don’t have to choose between being a mom and being you. You get to be both.
She just needs a little space to be heard.
And ADHD mamas? We especially need that space. Because when we allow ourselves to show up as our full, unfiltered, slightly chaotic, deeply creative selves, we’re not just reclaiming our own identity.
We’re teaching our kids how to do the same.
Need Support? Let’s Do This Together
If this conversation hit home, know this: You’re not broken, you’re not failing, and you’re not alone.
💛 Join the Motherload Support Group
💡 Work with an ADHD-informed therapist or coach
Because you deserve to exist fully, wildly, unapologetically - motherhood and all.
Share your story in the comments below. How has ADHD influenced your experience of motherhood?
Chill Like a Mother Podcast Guest:
Stacey & Stephanie from Mother Plus Podcast
This is the podcast for "too much" moms who feel like they are failing at motherhood and don't want to fail anymore. Your hosts, Stacey Hutson and Stephanie Sprenger, two ADHD moms of four girls ages 4-18, most definitely don't have it all figured out. But we know one thing for sure: understanding our brains is the key to enjoying our motherhood, and our SELVES again.
Here, we are brutally honest about our ADHD motherhoods (the missed Spirit Weeks, the mountains of laundry, the nostalgia for our old "fun" pre-mom selves) so you know you're not the only one struggling.
When we don't know the answers, or aren't qualified to give them, we bring on the experts. Mental health therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, women's doctors -- we want to learn from them all. Because we believe once you know how to work WITH your ADHD brain rather than against it, it changes everything.
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