69. Moms, You’re Doing It Backwards: Joy First, Then Everything Else (2 of 2)
F*ck the Mom Guilt: Rewrite the Blueprint for Joy in Motherhood
Most moms I work with are running themselves ragged making sure their kids are happy—because somewhere along the way, they got the memo that their own joy comes last.
I used to think “I’ll get back to myself later.”
When the kids were older. When life slowed down. When I wasn’t running on fumes.
Spoiler alert? “Later” never came.
And when I became a mom, I convinced myself I didn’t have time for it anymore.
Creativity felt like a nice-to-have—something I could circle back to once I finally caught up on sleep (lol), dishes (double lol), and the 6,728 other things motherhood dropped on my plate. So I stopped. For years. And honestly? It wasn’t good for me. I was constantly overwhelmed, anxious, and just surviving the day.
Eventually, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
There was a deep longing for a creative outlet. So I picked up my sketchbook, and it felt like coming home. Reconnecting with my creativity didn’t just calm my anxieties—it helped me find me again, the version I thought was lost in motherhood.
Slowly, everything began to shift. I was more present, more patient with myself and my kids, and life no longer felt like something I needed to escape from.
And the best part? My kids got to see me light up again. They saw me writing, painting, laughing, getting lost in something just for me—and in doing that, I was giving them permission to do the same.
If your kids don’t see you finding joy in your own life, how will they know adulthood can be fulfilling? Because the way we model being a grown-up is the blueprint they will carry into their own lives. As Tami said in our conversation:
“Your kids are watching you about what it means to be a grownup. What story do you want them to tell their future friends, their future partners, and themselves about what life as a grown-up is like?”
I don’t know about you, but I want my kid to grow up thinking adulthood is more than just bills, burnout, and folding tiny socks that never seem to match. I want them to know that being a mom doesn’t mean losing yourself in the process.
In mom-brain, why is joy treated like a cute little side dish we get to nibble on if the house is clean, the kids are asleep, and—miraculously—the laundry isn't regenerating overnight like some kind of sorcery? Let's start with the obvious: joy isn't the side dish—it's the whole damn meal.
F*ck the Mom Guilt: Rewrite the Blueprint for Joy in Motherhood
Most moms I work with are running themselves ragged making sure their kids are happy—because somewhere along the way, they got the memo that their own joy comes last.
Mom Self-Care is Not Selfish—It’s Energy Creation
Here’s where we’ve been seriously misled: Self-care isn’t bubble baths and spa days. It’s energy creation. And listen, if that’s your thing, go for it. But true self-care? It’s about creating energy, not just “taking a break.”
Tami broke it down perfectly when she said that most of her clients appreciate this message:
“You’re not lacking time so much as you’re lacking energy. Yes, we all have 168 hours, but when you’re running on empty, they don’t feel the same.”
Read that again. The problem isn’t that you don’t have time—it’s that you don’t have the energy to actually plan it, do it and enjoy it. And where does energy come from?
Joy. Doing things just because they make you feel alive.
“We’ve been trained to think fun comes last, but what if it came first? What if joy wasn’t the reward—it was the fuel?”
How to Start Reclaiming Mom Self-Care (Without Overhauling Your Whole Life)
Look, I get it. If you’re drowning in overwhelm, the idea of “making time for yourself” might feel laughable. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You don’t need an elaborate self-care routine or a full day off (though, hey, if you can swing that, do it).
Start small. Start where you are.
1. Give Yourself Permission (Without the Mom Guilt)
Before anything else, remind yourself that your needs matter, even if it feels difficult to prioritize them right now. If you’ve been conditioned to think that a “good mom” is one who sacrifices everything for her family, it’s time to unlearn that.
Taking care of yourself is not a betrayal of your family—it’s an act of love.
2. Find Your Tiny Joys
You don’t need a life overhaul. Just small, daily things that remind you you’re a person too.
Read a book for pleasure (not parenting advice, not productivity hacks—just a fun book).
Go for a walk alone and listen to a podcast that isn’t about self-improvement.
Drink your coffee hot without reheating it six times.
Start your day with something deliciously unnecessary. A song that makes you dance, a chapter of a book that has zero parenting tips, or five minutes of stretching that feels less like “being productive” and more like waking up your body like a cat in the sun.
3. Schedule It Like a Non-Negotiable
If you wait for free time to magically appear, it probably won’t—so carve out small moments for yourself where you can. Put it on the damn calendar.
Block out 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour—whatever you can. And here’s the kicker: Protect it like you would any other commitment. No rescheduling, no guilt.
4. Get Support (and Let Go of the Mom Guilt and Shame)
We talk a lot about guilt, but let’s be real—most of the time, what we actually mean is shame. We’ve been conditioned to believe that taking time for ourselves is selfish. But reclaiming that time? That’s not selfish—that’s survival.
If you feel like you “can’t” take time for yourself because no one else will step up, it’s time for a serious conversation. Fair Play, mental load, co-parenting—whatever the barriers are, they need addressing. But change doesn’t happen overnight. Start small, ask for support, and remember that progress is still progress.
You are not the sole cruise director of your household.
5. Start With One Thing
If you’re stuck in survival mode, start with one small shift. What’s something you love but haven’t done in forever? Can you find 10 minutes for it this week?
Just one thing. Build from there.
Self-Care is Not Selfish—It’s Strategy
Here's where people get stuck. Moms hear "self-care" and think bubble baths and spa days. And listen, if that's your thing, go for it.
But true self-care? According to Oxford, it's "the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health."
THE PRACTICE. It's about creating energy, not just "taking a break." It's about doing things that refill your cup—so you're not running on fumes, snapping at your kids, and wondering why adulthood feels like one long unpaid internship.
Tami broke it down perfectly when she said:
"You're not lacking time so much as you're lacking energy. Yes, we all have 168 hours, but those hours do not feel the same when you're running on empty."
Read that again. Many moms (including you, perhaps?) think they're short on time, but maaaaybe, the real issue is the lack the energy. And where does energy come from? Joy. It comes from doing things simply because they make you feel alive.
The Kids Are Watching - What Are They Seeing?
You know what kids are really good at? Holding up a mirror. If you’re exhausted, resentful, and stretched too thin, they see it. If you’re skipping meals, running on caffeine, and treating rest like a nice-to-have, they see that too. And what do they learn? That’s just what adulthood looks like.
But when you start showing them a different version of adulthood—one that isn't built on constant sacrifice—things shift. Joy is contagious. When your kids see you laughing, embracing a bit of mess in the house, and embodying the parent you want to be—more carefree, present, and patient—they're learning. When they see you taking care of yourself, doing things just for fun, and actually enjoying your life, they internalize that as normal. From where I sit most days working with moms, that's the goal. Isn't that exactly what we want for them?
Tami shared this powerful insight from her days as a teacher, when she noticed her students mirroring her grumpy mood:
"When I changed the reflection, I changed what they were seeing. They were like, 'I guess we can be different now.'"
Translation: When you start treating yourself like a whole human (who has legit basic needs), your family follows suit.
The Backward Logic of Productivity Culture
Somewhere along the way, moms got the message that fun comes after everything else is done. But guess what? The things… They are never done.
The laundry regenerates overnight.
The to-do list is eternal.
And the minute you finish cleaning something, a tiny human will spill something sticky all over it.
So if you’re waiting for an empty schedule to make time for yourself? You might be waiting an awful long time. Joy isn’t a reward for “getting it all done.” It’s the fuel that makes it all possible. When you pour into yourself, you don’t just feel better—you have more patience, more creativity, and more bandwidth for the chaos of life.
Stop treating joy like a dessert. It’s the damn main course.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about adding another thing to your to-do list. I know finding time for yourself can feel impossible some days, but even the smallest act of self-care can shift how you show up for yourself and your family. It’s about remembering that you matter. Your joy matters. Not just for you, but for the people around you.
Here’s your challenge: Do ONE THING today just because it makes you happy. Not because it’s productive. Not because it checks a box. Just because it makes you feel like YOU again. Then tell me what it was—I want to know! 👇 Drop it in the comments or DM me on Instagram (@kayla.huszar).
👉 Let’s start a joy movement, one tiny act at a time.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast Guest:
Tami Hackbarth
Tami Hackbarth helps women get their time and energy back so they can create the world they want to live in. She is all about 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care and rebalancing the domestic labor at home and in the world. She is the creator of CARE Club a group coaching program for women with a million things to do and a burning desire to change the world and Civics and Self-Care a membership for women who want to change the world without burning out. She is a life+work coach, author, keynote speaker, podcast host and Fair Play Facilitator.
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