68. Running on Fumes, Mom? The Guilt-Free Self-Care Hack That Brings YOU Back (1 of 2)
Women and mothers are going to change the world.
But we can’t do it if we’re exhausted, underfed, and running on fumes.
Guilt-free self-care isn’t just a necessity—it’s an act of reclamation.
Self-care has been co-opted by capitalism and repackaged as bubble baths and face masks. But real, guilt-free self-care is about something much deeper: meeting your own basic human needs without apology. It’s about not waiting until you’re completely burned out before finally tending to yourself.
Because by that point, you’re not just tired. You’re a husk of a person trying to parent, partner, and participate in the world while running on empty.
Tami, my podcast guest in this episode, puts it perfectly:
“The best way to keep people from rising up and claiming their power is to leave them hungry and tired. It’s so simple.”
And yet, we’re told that good mothers put themselves last. That we should light ourselves on fire to keep others warm. That if we’re not exhausted, we must be doing something wrong.
Enough. You are a human first. A human with basic needs that deserve to be met—not just so you can take care of others, but because you are inherently worthy of care.
The Wake-Up Call: When Your Body Becomes the Definition of Burnout
Your body has been speaking to you for a while. Maybe it whispers in exhaustion, paints dark circles under your eyes, or screams through clenched teeth when patience runs thin. The question is—are you listening?
Tami shared a moment in her own journey that stopped her in her tracks:
“I went to an acupuncturist for my skin. He took one look at me and said, ‘You’re going to drop dead in your classroom if you don’t take care of your stress.’ I was 38 years old.”
That wasn’t exactly what she expected to hear. But it was the truth. When we ignore our needs long enough, our bodies will eventually scream at us—whether it’s through chronic exhaustion, acne, insomnia, anxiety, rage, or, in Tami’s case, a doctor named Chuck looking her dead in the face and saying, “Girl, you are on the fast track to burnout.”
Maybe your version of this burnout moment isn’t as dramatic.
Maybe it’s noticing that you haven’t sat down for a full meal in days.
Maybe it’s realizing that your patience with your kids is nonexistent because you’re running on four hours of sleep.
Maybe it’s the creeping resentment when you watch your partner take a leisurely shower while you’re lucky if you get three minutes to rinse off.
Tami’s story isn’t an outlier—it’s an echo of a thousand mothers whose bodies have tried to warn them. If your body had a voice, what would it say to you? Whatever it is, your body is keeping the score. And eventually, it will force you to listen.
The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Mom Guilt and Self-Care
For generations, mothers have been expected to sacrifice their well-being for the sake of their families, often at great personal cost. However, today’s mothers are pushing back, recognizing that caring for themselves isn’t indulgent—it’s essential. By prioritizing rest, nourishment, and emotional well-being, they are setting a new precedent for future generations of moms who will no longer see burnout as a badge of honor.
If the idea of taking better care of yourself makes you feel guilty, let’s examine that for a second.
Brené Brown, a PhD social worker known for her work on shame and vulnerability, explains that guilt is the feeling that I did something wrong, while shame is the belief that I am wrong. When moms talk about self-care guilt, what they often mean is shame—the deeply ingrained belief that needing rest, food, joy, or solitude makes them weak or selfish.
“I don’t subscribe to that channel.” - Tami
Neither should you. Because what’s actually happening when you meet your needs?
You’re a calmer parent.
You’re a kinder partner.
You’re more present in your own life.
And guess what? Your kids benefit from that.
The Real Work of Guilt-Free Self-Care
When moms regulate themselves—meaning they manage their stress, process their emotions in a healthy way, and maintain a sense of inner calm—they create a ripple effect for their kids.
When children see their caregivers taking deep breaths instead of snapping, setting boundaries instead of overextending, and prioritizing rest instead of glorifying exhaustion, they learn that emotional regulation and self-care are essential life skills, not luxuries. When they see you prioritize your health, set boundaries, and nurture yourself, they learn to do the same for themselves. This means that every time you choose yourself, you’re rewriting the script for your children. You’re showing them, in real time, what it means to honor their own needs.
Stay with me here—it’s actually simpler than you think. No money, no extravagant time commitments required. Just small, doable shifts that make a massive difference.
Here are some tangible steps to start integrating real self-care into your life:
Remember, self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistently meeting your needs in small, sustainable ways.
Eat Food – Stop surviving on coffee and toddler scraps. Plan simple, nourishing meals and sit down to eat them.
Go to Bed – Treat sleep like medicine, a necessity, not a luxury. Create a bedtime routine and stick to it.
Move Your Body – This doesn’t have to be an intense workout. A 10-minute stretch, a short walk, or dancing in the kitchen counts.
Set Boundaries – Yeah, yeah, we know the cliché term of our time... AND yet, you need to protect your energy by saying no to things that drain you and yes to things that restore you.
Reconnect with Hobbies – Do something that brings you joy and reminds you of who you are outside of motherhood.
Ask for Help / Accept it when it's offered - You don’t have to do it all alone. Delegate, hire help if possible, and accept support from those who offer.
Sit with yourself – Even five minutes of deep breathing, stepping outside, or sitting in silence can reset your nervous system.
Limit the Scroll – Set a timer for social media and reclaim that time for something that genuinely nourishes you.
Here’s the part moms don’t always want to hear: real self-care isn’t always fun.
It’s not just spa days and solo grocery shopping (though those are lovely). It’s eating actual meals, not just your kid’s sandwich crusts. It’s setting boundaries with people who expect you to be available 24/7. It’s also going to bed early, even when you want to scroll.
Tami calls this defensive sleeping—the idea that going to bed early is the grown-up version of sleeping in.
“You can’t control when your kid is going to wake up sick or need you in the night. But you CAN control when you go to bed. So do yourself a favor and put yourself down for a nap before exhaustion makes that decision for you.”
This is the unglamorous truth:
Self-care is discipline. It’s choosing to meet your needs even when it’s inconvenient.
Self-care is surrender. It’s accepting that you are a human being, not a machine.
Self-care is an act of resistance. Because a well-fed, well-rested woman is a force to be reckoned with.
The Future Is Calling (And She Wants You to Stop Screwing Around)
Studies show that consistent sleep patterns lower the risk of heart disease and dementia, regular movement strengthens bones and prevents injury, and eating whole foods reduces inflammation and boosts mental clarity.
The self-care choices you make today aren’t just about feeling better now—they’re about ensuring that you have the energy and vitality to fully enjoy your life for years to come. It feels stupid, like it won't do enough—especially for moms struggling with depression or anxiety.
And the reality is.... The choices you make today don’t just affect you now—they affect future you. They affect your kids, who are watching you and learning what it means to be an adult. If you wouldn’t want your child to grow up and treat themselves the way you’re treating yourself now, it’s time to change the script.
Tami put it best:
“We act like we’re Toyotas—known for their durability—for the first 30 years of our lives—like we can just put gas in and go forever. But then one day, we wake up and we’re a vintage Ferrari with very specific maintenance needs. And if you haven’t learned how to take care of yourself by then? It’s going to be a rough ride.”
It doesn’t matter what the moms around you are doing. It doesn’t matter if your group chat is full of martyrdom and exhaustion. You get to decide how you show up in your own life.
Your Permission Slip to Take Up Space
If you needed someone to tell you it’s okay to eat, rest, and enjoy your life, consider this your permission slip. You are not broken for needing care. You are not failing because you want rest. You are human. And being human is a full-time job.
Now, put down your phone—the internet has nothing left to offer you today—don't add one more thing to your to-do list. Take a breath. Eat something that didn't come off your kid's plate. Listen to the story your body is telling. And start painting a life where you—yes, you—are cared for, too. BE the well-resourced woman you were meant to be.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast Guest:
Tami Hackbarth
Tami Hackbarth helps women get their time and energy back so they can create the world they want to live in. She is all about 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care and rebalancing the domestic labor at home and in the world. She is the creator of CARE Club a group coaching program for women with a million things to do and a burning desire to change the world and Civics and Self-Care a membership for women who want to change the world without burning out. She is a life+work coach, author, keynote speaker, podcast host and Fair Play Facilitator.
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