How to tolerate your child’s big feelings
My son said to me, “I never get what I want” - after a two-week vacation, trampoline purchase, and many other special things since school had been out.
On this night, I had said “no” gently and firmly to three requests for the TV to be turned back on after the TV turned off to start our bedtime routine, and he was angry with me.
I made eye contact when he was protesting but didn’t verbally respond.
It was already a big feeling night, and I knew saying anything would exacerbate the situation. After a while of him stomping around, avoiding all bedtime maneuvers, he also shared some disappointment with the "fun" of our vacation. I simply said, “I believe you.”
I could’ve corrected some of his facts, denied some of his recollection of events, or said things like, “But you also got to…” I knew that he was feeling big after being away from home. And this most inopportune moment was his first opportunity to let some of his stuff out (stuff he had been holding in while staying in new places and meeting new people).
I stayed quiet and held the space (even when he started crying, protesting, throwing stuffed animals, attempting to break his Lego, and generally looking for a reaction). I was practicing tolerating his emotions (by not reacting with anger or control). I was reassured that I wasn’t going anywhere. I would be involved when he was ready (by this point, he had told me to go away). He was avoiding the bedtime routine, and I knew pushing him or getting into a power struggle would not help. I was gently and firmly setting boundaries over what was and was not acceptable at that moment while really sitting in the shit (aka. the uncomfortableness of his disappointment and uncertainty of his next big emotion and feeling responsible for his reaction to my saying “no”)
It’s tough to sit in the disappointment of someone else’s feelings, which often leads me to lose control or just give in “because it’s easier.” It is not, in fact, easier. I sort of unintentionally quit setting boundaries with him when his brother was born and then just continued this pattern throughout the pandemic - which evidently didn’t help build his resilience to my saying “no” every once in a while. Now, when I firmly say no and mean it, he reacts big (bigger than if I had just kept setting boundaries in the first place).
How to sit in the shit and tolerate your child’s big feelings (especially when they blame you):
Don't take it personally - seriously. It's not about you; it's about them and how they feel, and their feelings are valid. You don't have to fix it. You don't have to take responsibility for it. It's not yours to own (unless you need to take responsibility for something). You are in charge of the household decisions, and they are in charge of their feelings, and you are in charge of yours.
Count to ten before responding - again, it sounds simple, but it can be easy to forget.
Simply say, "I believe you" - you don't have to correct or inform them of the facts now. In this moment, your role as their parent is to believe (not understand) their big feelings. You don't have to understand someone to believe them. It likely won't make any rational sense to you anyway. Just say, "I believe you," stay close even when they tell you to go away, and for the love of all things, stay off your phone when your kid is having big feelings. They need to see that you are available when you actually say you are available.
And lastly - do the work. Feel your own feelings. Sit in your own uncertainties. Set boundaries. Practice self-compassion. Have personal responsibility. Don't go back on your word. Journal. Do art. Talk it out with friends and/or therapists. Do your damn work.
After his emotional processing, he came out of his room and asked me for a snack and a cuddle. Now, this was something I could give an enthusiastic yes to. We made a snack (even though it was past "bedtime"), read a book and snuggled. As he fell asleep, I said, "I love you," and he said, "I love you too, Mom."
At any point within this anecdote you might have done things differently and that’s ok.
If something rang true for you and you’d like to learn how to stay emotionally regulated when your child is having big feelings - connect with me.
I'm Kayla Huszar.
THERAPIST FOR MOMS
Registered social worker, expressive art facilitator, and maternal mental health therapist.
I help moms who feel stuck and invisible, get through the early years of parenting with art as therapy. I help you regulate + rediscover your authentic identity.
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Ps. It doesn’t always turn out this way. I am not a perfect parent. I don’t always hold space in this way. Sometimes I yell and burn it all to the ground while having to repair later. The parenting experts say we only need to get it right 30% of the time, this was one of those times for me.
